Mr. Kenobi-Substitute Teacher
by QofNaboo
Summary: Updated 5/8/02 with a real chapter 6! Based on my real Latin teacher (he's hot stuff, hence I associate him with Obi) and class. I need u to tell me where u want this to go
1. My name is devine male specimen, I'll be...

(-.-) Howday. I know my stuff has been ultra-serious and depressing lately, so I decided to bring things back to the light side and write a humor (muahaha). As much as I can wish, hope and dream, I do not own Obi- Wan Kenobi or any other Star Wars original character/theme/surrounding/yaddi yadda. But since this story is 95% fact- based (excuse the 5% embellishment, I just threw in a couple things to make it funnier and weirder), everybody else in here are my characters based on my real classmates. If you're wondering where the names come from, I take the first two letters of the person's first name and the first two letters of the last name and voila, a new name. Cadi has returned, but she plays a different role (high school student) then what you readers are used to (i. e: the love of Obi-Wan's life). I like parenthesis. Again, all of this, even the in-class dialogue (you'll see what I'm talking about), is all fact- based, I just took it all and shoved it into the Star Wars universe for you all to enjoy. So, enjoy! (-.-)  
  
Story line: This fic is based on my Latin class and teacher, who is in his early/mid-twenties and who, well, how should I say this, hmmm, let's just say he's almost a carbon copy of Christian from Moulin Rouge, just with spikier hair (think Zoolander) and brownish-blackish eyes. So it was only right to make him Obi-Wan in this fic, who is forced to be a fill-in "Classic" instructor (Classic = Latin just as Basic = English) to some high- school level Jedi apprentices. Let's make Obi 23, since my teacher won't tell us his exact age, but doesn't look us in the eye when he says he's not 23. But anyway…  
  
***  
  
"Master, no, I can't do it," Obi-Wan repeated more profusely this time as he placed his hands on his hips in defiance.  
  
"And why not? You got the highest grades in Classic when you took it at their age…" Qui-Gon's patient face was beginning to tighten.  
  
"Because they'll eat me alive! They'll walk all over me, and play pranks, and talk consistently, and be too busy publicly groping each other to pay any attention to what I'm saying, and-"  
  
"And how do you know that?" Qui-Gon raised an amused eyebrow.  
  
"Because that's what I did in high school!" Obi-Wan stamped his foot.  
  
"It's only for a month until Master Russo comes back," Qui-Gon pointed out.  
  
Obi-Wan took up a begging position, "Master, please, please, PLEASE ask somebody else?"  
  
***  
  
Cadi threw a glance at her half-conscious reflection in the door of her metallic locker and noticed what a contrast her returning black roots made with the purple dye before scooping up her textbooks and heading down the hall to Classic. It was the start of the second term and rumor was that they'd hired a new Classic teacher to fill-in for Master Russo for the first month. She waved at her approaching friend, Cagi.  
  
"Dude, we have so many classes together this term!" Cadi exclaimed happily.  
  
"I know, it's awesome," Cagi tossed her long ruby-red hair behind her as she secured her bookbag on her shoulders, "Have you heard about Russo's replacement?"  
  
"Only that there is one."  
  
"Well, Nilli got a glimpse of him this morning- she says he's hot stuff," Cagi had an evil gleam in her eyes.  
  
"Really? Good, this school needs it bad. Wait," Cadi stared at her, "you're talking about a teacher?"  
  
"Mm-hmm," Cagi nodded, "word is he's barely older than we are."  
  
"Shibby," Cadi grinned as she leaned on the doorknob to their Classic classroom. She and Cagi found seats close enough to each other, with Nilli, Dosa and Jorey close by. They exchanged greetings and sat down with anticipation.  
  
Seconds after the period officially began, in walked god. Cadi's jaw dropped as she realized that Nilli's description of 'hot stuff' was an understatement. He was indeed only a few years older than all of they were, with perfect features from head to toe and an easy, equally perfect smile.  
  
"Hey guys," he greeted as he dumped his stuff on the teacher's desk with obvious anxiety, "my name is Kenobi, I honestly don't know what you should call me because I'm not a Master yet, I'll be your Classic teacher for the next month, please check your schedules now to make sure you're in the right place," he took a breath and spread his hands, "any questions?"  
  
"Will you marry me?" Cagi whispered to her circle of friends, drawing muffled laughter.  
  
"Alright, so let me just run through your names and correct me if I mispronounce anything. Let's see…Do-sa?" he called out with uncertainty.  
  
"Here," Dosa shot her hand up and down quickly, "the way you say it is fine," she answered his unasked question.  
  
"Do-sa," he repeated, "that's how you like it?"  
  
Dosa bit her lip and looked him up and down, "I like it however you like it." The class erupted with laughter. Obi-Wan looked around at them confusedly.  
  
"Moving on," he said and continued down the list of names with no further difficulties. Suddenly a loud crunching noise sounded throughout the room: someone was eating. It was a morning class, this was nothing new, but it was new for Obi-Wan. He searched out the noise and found Kifa munching on some N&N's.  
  
"Are those N&N's? No eating in class!" Obi watched for a second as Kifa did little but pass the bag around to share with others. "Can I have one?" he asked, finally getting Kifa's attention.  
  
"Are you serious or are you just trying to rob me of my breakfast?" she asked as she passed the bag to Luos.  
  
"Want?" Luos, who happened to be in a front seat, angled the bag toward Obi as he popped a few in his mouth. Obi took two out of the bag with a nod of thanks to Kifa, tossed them into the air and caught them in his mouth effortlessly.  
  
"So," he said after the first N&N was clear of his tongue, "this is Classic level Two, through the course of the term we'll be touching upon-" Obi-Wan was interrupted by a loud click over the intercom followed by music no competent being would ever want to listen to. In a span of 30 seconds, all the students were gone. "Well," he mumbled to himself as he picked up his things, "that wasn't so bad."  
  
(-.-) Stay tuned for Chapter 2, kids. (-.-) 


	2. Daydreaming

Day Two  
  
Obi-Wan strolled into the classroom with new confidence. Nobody had thrown anything at him or "accidentally" shoved him in the halls yet; it was going well. His eyes scanned over his students as he placed his things on the desk.  
  
"Alright," he clasped his hands together and searched for chalk, "let's get this party started."  
  
"Can we have a party?" Chaos asked loudly.  
  
"Of course we can," Obi-Wan turned around and grinned emphatically, then he smirked and rolled his eyes, "I mean, come on, this is like…SCHOOL!"  
  
The class responded by talking about anything they possibly could. Caryn yelled across a couple rows to Kifa, "You were in my dream last night."  
  
"Let's hold off any conversation about who was in whose dreams last night," Obi "shh" – ed them as he wrote a Classic sentence on the board.  
  
"What did *you* dream about last night?" Chaos called out again.  
  
"I…I don't remember what I dreamed about last night. But I know I dreamed. They say everybody dreams, you just don't remember every one you have."  
  
"How would they know?" Caryn asked.  
  
"Is that the aim?" Mona pointed her half-chewed pen at what he had written on the board. Obi-Wan looked back at it for a long second.  
  
"Ahm, yeah, yes, let's call that the aim," he nodded assuredly after a while and rubbed his nose. Bad idea. As he absently inhaled, he had a sudden irritable sensation as chalk dust started to invade his nostrils. He squinted his eyes shut and cupped his hands over his nose. "Ah, man," he said in a choked voice, "I got chalk up my nose."  
  
The class was not courteous enough to withhold their laughter. Within moments the room was filled with chatter again.  
  
"What's up guys?" Obi-Wan waved at them all for attention, "What are you talking about?" Every one quieted down nervously. They think I'm mad at them, he realized. "You know when I say that, I'm not mad," he told them, "I sincerely want to know what you're talking about." Thirty-four pairs of eyes gave him strange looks. Obi-Wan cleared his throat, "Okay, so today let's do some Classic-Basic derivatives," he said as he wrote several on the board. His first was vulneo, vulnere, vulnevi. "Who can tell me what this means and its Basic derivative?" He turned back to face the class hopefully. Jorey had her hand up and he pointed at her.  
  
"It means 'to wound' and, um, vulnerable comes from it," she said softly.  
  
"Perfect," Obi-Wan said as he scrawled her answer on the board, "and let's get a definition of vulnerable," he called on Razi.  
  
"Easily wounded, sensitive," she read from her electronic dictionary. Obi-Wan pouted and batted his eyelashes.  
  
"Sensitive," he repeated with a roll of his head.  
  
"Aww!" the female population of the class moaned. Obi-Wan briefly wondered why he got that reaction.  
  
***  
  
"He is *so* hot!" Cagi exclaimed.  
  
"He's *beyond* hot," Nilli emphasized.  
  
"I say we all jump him on the last day of school," Mona grinned devilishly.  
  
"His eyes, they just grab on to you…" Cadi commented distantly. The rest sighed in dreamy agreement  
  
"Shh! There he is!" Jorey tapped her friends for attention. Obi-Wan Kenobi had just come out of the office he shared with several other instructors from the Language department. With a nod to the line of teenaged girls, who were all standing with a faint hint of embarrassment and hidden agenda being swept from their eyes, he strolled swiftly down the fairly empty hallway with a book in hand.  
  
"Do you think he heard us?"  
  
"If he did, he didn't show it."  
  
"I think he's got a faint idea of what's going on, from the reaction he got in class today, he would have to be pretty dim not to realize it by now," Cadi thought out loud.  
  
"You're talking about the same guy who got chalk up his nose this morning," Lali reminded, earning a laugh from the others.  
  
"I guess we'll find out eventually."  
  
"If one of us doesn't scare him away with," Nilli cleared her throat significantly, "a bit of 'inappropriate' behavior."  
  
"We can do this," Cadi assured them all, and herself, still a bit of dreamy distance refusing to leave her voice, "we have self-control."  
  
"We also have a sweet piece of Jedi eye-candy for an instructor that we see four times a week," Jorey said hopelessly.  
  
"Yeah," Cagi nodded with certainty, "if he doesn't already know, he'll be finding out soon."  
  
"*Really* soon," Dosa said as she returned to her dream-world. 


	3. Baby Feet and a Wiggling Butt

Day Three  
  
"Today is a perfect day for baby feet!" Aida exclaimed as she took notice of the boards. The chalkboards were only cleaned once a week, so by the day before cleaning a naturally black board was practically all white. She curled up her fists and walked them up the board, creating pint-sized footprints. She just finished adding all the toes when Obi-Wan Kenobi walked in and she took her seat before he noticed she had been up.  
  
"How's everybody doing today?" he asked his class casually as he set down his bag and picked up a piece of chalk. Cadi noticed he'd exchanged his usual tan leggings for black ones today and wondered why. In fact, he looked especially nice today: his hair was a little neater and his boots a little shinier- what was up? Unaware of his spectators, he turned toward the board and back to his class quickly. "Alright, who walked all over the board?"  
  
"They're baby feet," Aida explained hurriedly.  
  
"You make them with your hands," Caryn made fists go up an imaginary chalkboard in front of her.  
  
"Oh man!" Kenobi said, intrigued, "They're like, demon baby feet. Let's all do it!" he attempted to make his own 'baby feet' on the board. The class watched him entertain himself patiently. Eventually he gave up and erased the un-erasable board with an eraser that already had three pounds of chalk on it. Chalk-dust set a white cloud around where he was standing. Skillfully oblivious, he leaned against the edge of the board.  
  
"Okay guys, I'm going to pass out a reading in Classic and I want you to work on translating it," he received a groan. As he thought up a witty response there was a tap on the door. Luminara Unduli, a recently knighted former classmate of his, who was a little older than he was, was at the door. He grinned happily, this job had gotten a little better when he'd learned that she was working as an attendant for the Language department, he'd always had a silent crush on her. Forgetting the thirty-four teenagers he was tending, he rushed to the door and opened it. He greeted Luminara and took the photocopies she had for him, and they chatted quietly for a moment or two while his students pretended not to listen. Abruptly, giggle were erupting from somewhere behind him, he said goodbye to Luminara and shut the door again. The girls watched Luminara leave like hawks.  
  
"What's so funny?" he asked candidly.  
  
"You've got chalk on your butt!" Chaos shouted, equally candid. The class's giggles exploded into full-blown laughter. Obi-Wan smiled coyly and leaned his weight on his desk.  
  
"You know," he said, trying to look serious, "I didn't want to wear black pants today because I thought 'I'm going to get chalk all over my butt and then everyone will laugh at me whenever I turn around,'' he paused for the laughter to quiet a bit, "but they go nice with my new vest, so just GET OVER IT PEOPLE!" Spontaneously Obi-Wan spun around and wagged his butt, complete with a large gash of white chalk-dust across it, to and fro for all to see. The kids were rolling in hysteria.  
  
***  
  
"I can't believe he did that!" Cagi exclaimed, laughing again, not caring who else heard, as she sat with her friends on the airbus home.  
  
"What could he possibly do next?" Cadi, the only one composed enough to respond, "Strip?" with this she lost the last of her composure and burst into another fit of laughter. 


	4. Stripper with a Package

Day Four  
  
"Who do you have for Classic?" Race, who wasn't in their class, asked as she scrawled out her Classic homework and ate lunch at the same time.  
  
"God," Nilli grinned. Race looked up mischievously.  
  
"Me too," she said, "he's got such a cute butt."  
  
"Mm-hmm," the group agreed, "what period have you got him?" four of them asked at once.  
  
"Eighth, this homework is from yesterday," Race replied as she tucked away her scribblings. "Do you think he's got a…?"  
  
"Definitely," Dosa intercepted.  
  
"Yeah," Cagi chimed in, "he's got a package, alright."  
  
"Who's got a what?" Cadi inquired as she sat down at the table with them.  
  
"You know who we were talking about," Cagi said suggestively.  
  
"As always," Cadi smiled, "but what about him?"  
  
"We were saying he appears to be, er, well-endowed," Dosa made quotation marks with her fingers.  
  
"Oh yeah," Cadi agreed immediately, "you can tell, from the way he stands and everything…"  
  
"Mm-hmm," the group conceded.  
  
***  
  
"Ah! I'm blind!" Chaos shielded her eyes when Obi-Wan entered the room. For some unknown reason, his tunic was bright yellow.  
  
"A bit bright for you?" Kenobi straightened out his sleeves. "Put sunglasses on if you want."  
  
"We're not allowed," Kifa reminded, squinting.  
  
"Well, I don't know what to do for you guys," Obi-Wan thought fast, the class offered no suggestions. "Should I just, like," he paused, wondering if he would get in trouble for saying, let alone doing, what he had in mind. Screw it, he concluded, "-take it off?"  
  
The class fell silent and all female eyes waited on him.  
  
"I guess I could," he started to carefully unbutton the bright saffron shirt, slowly revealing a clingy black tank underneath. "Or should I just-" in spontaneous decision he quickly pulled the rest of the buttons apart and tugged his arms out of long hose of sleeve. Toned, sinewy arms were exposed to the shoulder where the tank took over, hugging his muscular chest and torso and allowing a few strands of chest hair out of the rim of the scooping neckline. He casually tossed the bright yellow thing over his chair and turned his attention back to the class.  
  
But he had lost them: they were all far gone from reality, lost in dream worlds where what they'd just witnessed progressed in their hormonal heads. The boys looked bored. Obi-Wan cleared his throat and began the lesson. 


	5. Bathroom Passes and Personal Space

*Two weeks pass…*  
  
"What are you doing?" Caryn asked suddenly, "You can't give us a test." The class muttered agreements to her statement.  
  
"And why not?" Obi-Wan continued passing out test papers as he threw her an amused glance.  
  
"It's too weird," Liza replied, making a face.  
  
"You're like- one of us," Razi stated, again the class agreed.  
  
"You're too cool to give a test," Kifa added optimistically.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, nice try," Obi-Wan said nonchalantly. Cagi raised her hand and he gave her an inquisitive nod, mentally noting that the seat in front of her was empty.  
  
"Can I have the pass?" she asked. Cadi- he remembered who filled that seat now, Cadi was absent.  
  
"Sure," Obi-Wan wove his way out of the rows of desks back to his own and began to dug through his bag for the standard-issue wooden hall pass. Not finding it, he looked up. "Ah man," he pouted, "Where's my pass? I loved that pass."  
  
Unconvinced giggles circled around the room.  
  
"Seriously, I did. It had my name on it and everything, I show it off to my friends all the time," his pout deepened.  
  
"Um, Mr. Kenobi?" Jorey said uncertainly, pointing to something on the floor, "Is that it?"  
  
Obi spun around, "My pass!" he exclaimed happily and swept it up off the floor. Grinning, eyes shining proudly, he handed it to Cagi, who left with it promptly.  
  
"You could've just gotten another one," Chaos suggested offhandedly as she and her peers scribbled out their tests, "A *cleaner* one."  
  
"I don't even want to *think* about how filthy that thing is," he grinned evilly as the classed 'EWW-ed.' "In my mind, it is the most pristine square of wood on Coruscant."  
  
Cagi came back into the room and handed him the pass, which he embraced in both hands. Randomly he stuck out his tongue as far as it would go and dragged the pass down it. Several students started gagging, their tests forsaken. He grinned again.  
  
"Did you enjoy yourself?" he inquired casually, hugging his pass to his chest affectionately.  
  
"In the- bathroom?" Cagi looked at him strangely as she found her seat, "If that's possible, I guess."  
  
*The next day*  
  
Cadi Din neared the door of what would be her Classic class in about five minutes. The halls were empty besides her; this was her free period. She briefly wondered if Mr. Kenobi was around, she had to ask him when to make up the test she'd missed yesterday.  
  
As if reading her thoughts, Obi-Wan popped out of the Language office and strolled down the hall in the opposite direction of where she was standing; he hadn't noticed her there. After recovering from the initial shock to her senses that the sight of him always caused, she left her bag on the floor and skipped to catch up with him.  
  
"Mr. Kenobi!" she stage-whispered, not wanting to upset any of the classes still in progress. Obi-Wan halted abruptly and looked around for who had called him. Cadi stopped where she was next to a long strip of lockers and waited for him. Obi-Wan smiled politely.  
  
"Where were you yesterday?" he asked conspiratorially, "I missed you." Casually he walked up to where she was.  
  
"Yeah, sorry. I was wondering-" Cadi paused nervously, noticing now that Obi-Wan was kind of close to her, and he smelled *really* good. She fought to hold his crystalline gaze steadily.  
  
"What?" Obi took another fraction of a step toward her, and Cadi glanced down quickly to assess that they were now standing toe-to-toe. Wow, she thought, *he's* got no sense of personal space whatsoever. No longer capable of staring up at him, she lowered her gaze. A mistake: now all she could focus on was the minimal rising and falling of his chest underneath his clothes as he breathed silently. Cadi pleaded to the Force for this moment to be over as she secretly wished it wouldn't end.  
  
"About the test-" she managed, clearing her throat self-consciously.  
  
"Oh right!" he cried out in sudden remembrance, "Ahm, whenever you're ready to take it-"  
  
"I've got lunch after your class," she confessed quickly, fearing that if she didn't get out of this position within the next minute, she wouldn't be able to contain herself any longer.  
  
"Great, I'm free too," he backed toward the office slowly to retrieve his books before class started. He smiled again and gave her an imperceptible wink as he disappeared behind the door. Cadi breathed out forcefully and fell against the lockers.  
  
"What a god," she sighed again to herself, "but praise the Force that's over." 


	6. E-LEC-TRI-CI-TY

(-_-) Thanks to all those who contributed. This is just to tide you over for now while I develop a plot in my head. Thanks especially to KMSCUFFLE. As it turns out, we actually are going on a field trip soon with him, so I should have some nice material to work with from there. That's two weeks from now. I'll try to update before then, but school has been hell lately. 8 days till AOTC! (-_-)  
  
Uh-oh, here again, alone, Cadi thought as she remained forcefully casual standing outside the door of what would soon be her Classic class. She'd had the weekend to contemplate her little experience, but was far from recuperated. Today all she hoped for was someone ELSE to be in the hallway today.  
  
Apparently the Force was with her.  
  
At exactly the same moment that her teacher popped out of the Language office, the door to the Huttese class across the hall released a flock of her peers, several of which were in her Classic class. Caryn was one of them.  
  
Now every single one of Caryn's classmates knew she had a problem. Every time she talked to somebody, anybody, no matter how well she knew him, she had the habit of holding on to his elbow, commanding his attention as she spoke. Every sophomore in the Jedi Temple had found this out at one point or another. But Obi-Wan Kenobi was, like with most things, oblivious.  
  
Blast, Cadi recalled suddenly, he's giving us a quiz today.  
  
"Is the quiz hard?" Cryn was fast-approaching Mr. Kenobi, who Cadi noticed now was standing directly across from her, again within the standard personal space area.  
  
"It shouldn't be," he replied mysteriously. Caryn smiled pretentiously and her body language fell into its normal pattern, consisting of several dramatic hand gestures.  
  
"Because I just took the *hardest* Huttese test in my *entire* life," she proclaimed emphatically. She got little more than a nod of acknowledgement from him. Accustomed to getting much more attention, she shifted her stand to pretend to be hurt. Kenobi continued to casually survey all of the kids that were flooding the halls. Sinking further into "automatic' mode, Caryn's hand flew up to clutch at his elbow as she started talking again.  
  
"Do you think that-" she started. Obi-Wan regarded her questioningly, but made no motion to remove the inappropriately-placed hand. As if receiving an electrical shock, Caryn realized her faux pa and lurched her hand away, jumping back as she flushed deeply. Obi-Wan's amused smile was just perceptible to Cadi, who could not contain her laughter.  
  
Yeah, she thought, he definitely knows now. 


	7. Overboard

(-_-) Howday, sorry for the long gap between updates, been swamped with schoolwork and Star Wars activities. I'm so in love with Episode II, I've developed a need to see it at least once every three days. It'll be time for a dose again soon. Ahh. Guess what? We went on our class trip on Tuesday, now I have material! I am elaborating a bit here though, no injuries came to anybody. Blame AOTC, it taught me that Obi-Wan and water are a good mix, muahaha. (-_-)  
  
"Listen up dudes and…dude…esses?" Obi-Wan Kenobi waved his arms in the air to get the attention of 250 Padawans. It was the day of the class trip, and they were standing on a Nubian harbor just south of Theed. The place was definitely scenic, little did his students care. They were going to be locked up inside a boat for the next four hours, with a buffet of cold food and music turned up way too loud. And he was one of the chaperones. Lucky him.  
  
"It's 'dudettes,'" Caryn corrected cheerfully from the crowd.  
  
"Well *I* say it's dudesses," Obi-Wan retorted with mock haughtiness.  
  
"Do we have a quiz tomorrow?" Jorey asked.  
  
"You know you do."  
  
"I have a question-" Chaos blurted.  
  
"Ask away," Obi responded confidently, "You can ask me AN-Y-THING you want."  
  
"Can we ask you personal questions?" Caryn popped in again.  
  
"You can ask me Classic questions."  
  
"Can we ask you personal questions- in Classic?" Chaos came back quickly.  
  
"Oh look! It's time to get on the boat!" Obi-Wan spun around, purposefully changing the subject, and started to lead them all to the dock. He reached into a pouch of his belt for his boarding pass…and felt nothing. His mouth dropped open in a big 'O.'  
  
"I lost my pass," he confessed to his students.  
  
"No! We can't go on there without you!" Kifa exclaimed over- earnestly.  
  
"What am I gonna do?" he grinned, wide-eyed and embarrassed.  
  
"Use the Force, think," Cagi suggested. Obi-Wan considered this for a second, then nodded assuredly.  
  
"Alright guys, follow me. I'll handle this," he casually strutted up to the ticket-taker.  
  
"Your boarding pass, sir?" the mundane uniformed man requested routinely.  
  
"You don't need to see my boarding pass," Obi-Wan said soothingly with a slight wave of his hand. His spectators behind him giggled evilly.  
  
"I don't need to see your boarding pass."  
  
"We can go about our business."  
  
"You can go about your business."  
  
"Move along."  
  
"Move along, move along," the ticket-taker waved them by. As soon as they all got below deck, the Obi-Wan Cheerleading Squad showered him with appraisal. He 'shh-ed them and they quieted down, except for two very audible female voices.  
  
"Caryn," Obi-Wan cleared his throat authoritatively, "Kifa." The two girls spun their head to look at him, silenced.  
  
"We were just talking about your hair," Caryn admitted without being asked.  
  
"Yeah, that's what we do," Kifa added.  
  
"Talk about you."  
  
"Every part of you, yep."  
  
"I guess that…ahm…gives you a lot to talk about," Obi-Wan replied, perplexed. There was an awkward pause. "Alright," he said for all to hear, "take seats, enjoy yourselves." The students shuffled about to form their cliques and find tables.  
  
(-_-) This chapter is far from over, I just was eager to post this so you guys wouldn't lose interest all together. Promise to write more as soon as I have some time. That'll be in about three weeks, when SCHOOL IS OVER! (- _-) 


End file.
